It is Still Personal

Hi
I told you my name
Now please go away
Cause I am not feeling it today
I am ready to make it rain
And not in a good way
I don’t have wads of cash in my hand
Don’t feel great
Definitely don’t feel grand
This is not what I had planned
I feel like I am still trapped in a Hell of my own creation
Don’t feel oneness
Just the worst sense of separation
Keep looking at the H I put back on my wrist
Wondering all day
If I made her wish
Did I give her bliss?
Or seal my story with the sting of death’s kiss?
No rock to hold on to
Not sure if I can trust my own wings
Not sure if my heart can sing
Just a long list of names
And a parade of faces
Beautiful women from all my favorite places
But
I don’t feel like a champion
Closer to the worst demon
The serpent of the pit
Even though violence against women makes me sick
I know who did this
I did it
Not sure how to correct it
Stuck on the wrong side of the story
I want no glory
I want no fame
Please forget my name
And my face
For it is in my hands
And tears run through my fingers
My nose runs
And my body shivers
How can I ever lead my own tribe
If all I do is cry?
How can I be the warrior of light I am meant to be
If one girl brings me to my knees?
Beg and plead
Baby please save me
Makes me feel like I failed at our plan for infinity
And my new girl
Is still waiting to hear from me
Why
Why
Why
Am I back locked up by the state
Worse than any criminal
Worse than the rapists and murderers
Who are villains in my eyes
They are vile and I do despise
Why get out?
Why even try?
Cause when I do, I will still just be a doe
And the cops are hunters with a bow
But it is worse
Cause they like to see the light show
And watch my blood fly all over the snow
Had to watch summer end again
From behind a window that does not open
Only because I  could not hide my love
Or myself
Now they want me permanently on the shelf
They want me empty
A hallow shell
But I love the ocean
And that is not how I play
So I can wait today
And tomorrow
But it will be a waste
Disgusting medication is all I taste
But shortly it will be her lips again
And once more I’ll hope forever can begin