Can I Love Me?

Can I love me?
Will I finally be free?
From my own imprisonment
My shackles
My confinement
I turned myself in
Declared all my own sins
To Him I did repent
My time in Hell spent
Despair
Came and went
So why can I not still love me?
Know I deserve all life’s pleasantries
Just like everyone else
Whom I love
So why don’t I love myself?
Underserving of good health
Huddled beneath my half filled bookshelf
Feel like these are just the cards I was dealt
That’s okay
Cause I remembered this day
When I signed the contract
And let my soul fly this way
Maybe if you let me stay
Then maybe I would not feel this way
But how can I love you
When I don’t even want my dreams to come true
When I’m fine being blue
I can’t hear your dreams when you tell them
And have no vision for when
We could be a happy pair
Our love all around us in the air
Hearts in each other’s hands
Held with care
There is no way this can be
Cause I still can’t love me
Even though I have all the reasons
Just a slight issue with the seasons
But I can make you laugh
And everyone else
Sometimes even myself
I can ski
And apparently know how to live free
Still
This is not enough for me
Cause I’m still stuck on something from the past
Still think it is about whether or not it will last
Nothing ever seems good enough
And I always try and look tough
But look where it has got thee
In love with no on
Especially not in love with me

U R Gr8

I see the lake
I see the boys at practice
Hey you
Number 38
You’re great!
And the trainers too
You’re great!
Yeah I’ve met you
Spent the summer together
One I will always remember
Cherish forever
Even though I yearn for the future
And want to grow
You’re great!
I just want you to know
I just want my love for you to show
I am tired of being fearful of who knows
It is not wrong
Or inappropriate
For me to say you are a gift
A special person
Meant for this world to uplift
So am I
But for whatever reason I feel like I should not even try
Each day get more and more shy
Always looking for reasons why
Always stuck on her goodbye
Can’t find the space between
Dead and sky high
I want to hear it
That I am great too
But this I knew
Traded in these feelings of glee
For my own misplaced misery
So let me tell you first again
I’ll be the first
The one to begin
You’re great!
The best
Never think you are less
Me either
Let’s be great to  each other
And be best friends to one another
We all deserve it
I think it is time I stop trying to earn it
Not yearn for it
Just be it
Cause if you’re great
I am too
Not wrapped up in what we do
Just who
we are
Mostly to each other
Our spirits may never mar
Thank you for being you
Cause you let me be me
You’re great!
You set me free

My Local Home

It took more than a few years
Once or twice there were tears
Not because I did not have
But I had everything
And felt so grateful
The emotions overflow
I finally signed the lease
And got the keys
Spent time in the yard with the bees
And the birds
Left the old herd
Left the Ranch
And left home again
End
Now time to begin
A place that is my own
A place where I have the only key
My roommate
Me
Now all things I see
Are all brand new
As if I never knew
And whatever I want to do
I get to
Whenever I want
Until I say stop
I have had enough today
Goodbye
See you again sometime
I can invite anyone over
Call any girl in town
But there is no on other
On my guest list then you
And I cannot even tell you
Have to face what is true
We can’t see I to I
One of us says hello
The other goodbye
Our chance for love out of tries
At least I got this space
Finally my own place
Where I can learn to no longer dream of your face
Where I can be free
Make art
Read books
Eat out
And cook
It’s all going to be me
Seems more and more this is what it is going to be
That’s all good
When I got the message I understood
The life I have is the one given
The one I have chose
And the one I’ll be living
In my place all alone
In my brand new local home

My Anniversary

The day is almost here
When I get to start a whole new year
Hopefully things become more clear
Take one more step near
Not to my end
But towards you my dear friend
Presents you can send
Rather I would like to mend
What’s dissonant between us
Why there is a lack of trust
You in my life is a must
This year that is my only wish
Already have everything else in this world to have
Finally have some work I like
Got a brand new bike
Keys to a new apartment
That’s all mine
Critically acclaimed art
It’s about time
A psychic told me to spread my wings
And let my heart shine
I want to
I will show you my insides
Let you see everything
Then you can decide what is missing
Us two kissing
You and me singing
Maybe just a beginning
Because there already was an ending
I did a lot of pretending
To how I felt
Worse to what I told you
Skipped everything about how I love what you do
To me
So now on my own anniversary
I’ll be on my own
No one to blame but myself for my misery
Nothing left to do but just be
I want to write my own symphony
And play it for you
Hope you like it
Say it’s a hit
Now just this last bit
Without you it’s just another year
Without you I just grow older
And without you
My heart even colder
I guess I cannot get all I wish for
But you’re the last thing
May I wish just once more?

Believe Me

When I say nice things
You say stop
When you dream of your future
I know I am not
The man you see in your mental picture
Even though for me you are my heart fixture
I don’t wish I didn’t feel this way
I just wish there was something I could say
Or do
To show you
How much you mean to me
You are my everything
And maybe I could of told you sooner
When you were willing to listen
When you gave me a chance
But now I am just left wishing
And it is you I am missing
I broke your trust I am sure
Perhaps your heart
But if I broke it apart
May I be the on to put it back together
I know I am better
I promise I will feel this way whenever
And I will stand beside you forever
Will you let me?
Will you give me a second chance?
Will you think of me when you want to go dance
Will you not be afraid to show me that loving glance
Those inviting eyes
Your lips touching mine
No longer interested in just some time
Not just a night or two
I want to see this through
Even if you decide that you don’t want to
I will know I did and do love you
I’ll take that
But baby please do not think of it as taking me back
Cause I am not who I was then
Now I am a better friend
And I wish to be more to you than that in the end
I want us to finally begin
I’ll be honest and upfront
Be the one to give you the key to my apartment
Tell you you’re always welcome
And this key is for more then the front door
It is also the key to my heart
Please let me know when we can start
And believe this part
You + me
equals everything
And my love for you will last for all eternity

Your Soul

Before we met
I learned your name
Saw it each day
An empty office
No body to place inside
Only could wonder where you did reside
And the journey of your life’s ride
One day you appeared
Just sitting there
I said hello
And tried not to stare
Hopefully I complimented your gorgeous hair
It was not long before I did not need to wonder where you lived
You invited me there
Told me about you
I let you share
And told you some about me
Wish I could of said it more clearly
Wish that it was only you that I did see
But I was too busy feeling sorry for me
And taking advantage of those that wanted me
Thankfully
I found myself at your place plenty
And learned it was not only your name that was lovely
It was all of you
What you do
What you did
Where you’ve been
Now
And then
I was sure I was falling for you
Even though with most else I did not have a clue
Confused
Unsure what to do
But in the moments when it was just me and you
I glimpsed your soul
I saw right through
No longer needed to guess who
I knew
You were even more beautiful then I had imagined
Far more dazzling than a beauty queen of a pageant
So perfect
So Divine
So out of reach
Not to be mine
Not right now
Not this time
And although
What you do to me is make my heart shine
You love to remind
I am not welcome inside your holy shrine
You and I are not to combine
Remember or not
Whether you intended or not
I caught a glimpse of your soul
Within it I wanted to go
Deep into your waters I wanted to flow
Your most true self I wanted to know
Together I wanted to grow
I must remember then it was I who said no
And other things I wish to change
Now I wish my feelings could rearrange
But I guess my soul remembers when it met yours
Hoped for a meeting behind closed doors
Just the two of us
Where again our souls can touch
Won’t ask for too much
Just your sweetness and such
Make you believe in my trust
And feel the fire of my love
Until we both combust

The Wind

I am the wind
I am the sun
I am the moon
And all the stars in the sky
I can swim
I can fly
I can be by myself
But I would rather be by your side
I will be your guide
You need not be my bride
All I am
I did decide
And in this time many things I have realized
Been in touch with my spiritual side
And lived in 3-D plenty of time
Confused by this life of mine
It is the one I want
It is the one I have chosen
But my dreams have still not been woven
Just been floating in the wind
Or crumpled up ideas in the recycle bin
Still feel like I am waiting to win
Even though that is not what this is about
Not worthy money in any amount
Not about accomplishments you can count
Mostly about how I feel
Like the wind
Sometimes a gale
Other times just a light breeze
I want to please
You
I guess at times I forgot about me
That is just me putting it simply
Trying to see things differently
Trying not to be so windy
Rather be a tree
And sway in the breeze gracefully
With a strong trunk
And deep roots
Lot’s of seedlings
And lots of fruit
Although I am everything
And lived through all
All of creation
All forms of manifestation
I still have things to learn
Still don’t have relief from a heart that burns
If I try to blow it out
It only blows stronger
And the distance between grows longer
To reach where I want
I will be what I am
A wind that does haunt
A star that does shine
A moon that does glow
All of this
And so much more to know